Trump’s Tax Returns Were Released By… Trump?


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW,”
EVERYBODY. GLAD YOU’RE HERE. I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. HUGE NEWS ABOUT DONALD TRUMP
ALMOST HAPPENED LAST NIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
FOR YEARS NOW, PEOPLE WANTED TO SEE HIS TAX RETURNS. THE ONLY THING HE HIDES MORE
FIERCELY IS THE TRUE COLOR OF HIS FACE. I’M GOING TO GUESS
BEACHED JELLYFISH. WELL, LAST NIGHT AT AROUND 7:30,
SOMETHING LIKE THAT, OUR FRIEND RACHEL MADDOW UNLEASHED A FORCE
5 TWEET-ICON WITH: “WE’VE GOT TRUMP TAX RETURNS. TONIGHT, 9:00 P.M., MSNBC. SERIOUSLY.” SO IMPORTANT FOR NEWS NETWORKS
TO ADD “SERIOUSLY” TO ANY ANNOUNCEMENT, SO THE
AUDIENCE KNOWS YOU’RE NOT PRANKING THEM, LIKE YOU DO IT’S
A LONG TRADITION IN THE NEWS BUSINESS. WE ALL REMEMBER THE HINDENBERG
BROADCAST.>>OH, THE HUMANITY! THE FLAMES ARE GOING UP. I’M NOT YANKING YOUR
CHAIN, FOLKS. FOR REALSIES!”
>>Stephen: FOR REELZIES. AND WE WERE ALL GRIEWD TO IT. WE ALL WATCHED THE TWITTER FEED. AND WHEN 9:00 CAME, RACHEL TOOK
US ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER BECAUSE, LIKE A ROLLER COASTER,
AT THE END WE WERE ALL RIGHT BACK WHERE WE STARTED, AND
FEELING A LITTLE QUEASY. FIRST, SHE LET US KNOW JUST HOW
MUCH INFORMATION SHE HAD.>>THIS DOCUMENT HAS SURFACED. IT HAS BEEN HANDED TO A
REPORTER, AND THAT’S AN IMPORTANT PART OF THIS STORY. THAT MAY BE THE MOST IMPORTANT
PART OF THIS STORY.>>Stephen: SHE’S GOT NOTHING. ( LAUGHTER )
THEN AFTER 20 MINUTES OF EXPLAINING WHAT TAXES ARE AND
WHO DONALD TRUMP IS, MADDOW WAS READY SHOW US THE TAX RETURN.>>WE GOT IT TONIGHT, AND I AM
BUT IT’S A START, AND OUR LITTLE PIECE OF IT. WE JUST GOT IT. WE’LL GO THROUGH IT NEXT. ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: WHAT! A CLIFFHANGER? IS THIS NEWS OR A REALITY
SHOW? I DON’T WANT TO WATCH “AMERICA’S
GOT 1040s.” PROBABLY BE PRETTY GOOD. PROBABLY BE PRETTY GOOD. AFTER THE BREAK, WE PHENYLLY GOT
THE LONG-AWAITED REVELATIONS.>>WHAT I HAVE HERE IS A COPY OF
DONALD TRUMP’S TAX RETURNS. WE HAVE HIS FEDERAL TAX RETURN
FOR ONE YEAR, FOR 2005. HE PAID $38 MILLION– LOOKS LIKE
$38 MILLION IN TAXES. HE TOOK A BIG WRITE-DOWN OF
$103 MILLION DOLLARS– MORE ON THAT LATER. IF YOU ADD UP THE LINES FOR
INCOME, HE MADE MORE THAN $150 MILLION IN THAT YEAR.>>Stephen: ALL RIGHT, LET’S
SEE, $38 MILLION, OKAY. WHAT IS IT, $10 THREE MILLION
WRITE-DOWN. $150 MILLION IN INCOME,
THAT ADDS UP TO… ZERO (BLEEP) BEING GIVEN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) CHECK MY MATH ON THAT ONE. YEAH. HERE’S THE DEAL– WE KNOW HE’S
RICH ALREADY. ALL RIGHT. BE SURE TO TUNE IN TO RACHEL’S
NEXT SPECIAL REPORT, “WOLF! WOLF! AN EXCLUSIVE LOOK AT WHAT THE
BOY CRIED.” ( LAUGHTER )
BUT BEFORE RACHEL EVEN WENT ON THE AIR, HERE’S THE DEAL IT’S
WHITE HOUSE STOLE HER THUNDER BY RELEASING ALL THE INFORMATION ON
TRUMP’S TAX RETURN. SO, APPARENTLY, I THINK THIS
PROVES IF THEY THINK YOU ALREADY HAVE THE INFORMATION, TRUMP’S
TEAM IS MORE THAN HAPPY TO CONFIRM IT. I GUESS NOW’S A GOOD TIME TO
TELL THE WHITE HOUSE THAT SOMEONE FEDEXED ME A
URINE-SOAKED VIDEOTAPE. YOUR MOVE, GUYS. WHO KNOWS? WHO KNOWS WHAT’S IN THERE? NO IDEA. COULD BE ANYTHING. ( APPLAUSE )
THE WHITE HOUSE STATEMENT ALSO SAID, “BEFORE BEING ELECTED
PRESIDENT, MR. TRUMP WAS ONE OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSMEN
IN THE WORLD WITH A RESPONSIBILITY TO HIS COMPANY,
HIS FAMILY, AND HIS EMPLOYEES TO PAY NO MORE TAX THAN LEGALLY
REQUIRED.” YES, DONALD TRUMP DOES THE
MINIMUM OF EVERYTHING. THAT’S HOW HE BECAME PRESIDENT–
BY GETTING NO MORE VOTES THAN LEGALLY REQUIRED. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) HE GOT IN THERE, ANYWAY.( CHEERS )
LEGALLY, LEGALLY HE’S PRESIDENT.
NOW, THE SHOW ALSO REVEALED THAT
MADDOW GOT TRUMP’S TAXES BECAUSE “COPIES OF THE TAX RETURNS
ANONYMOUSLY WERE PUT IN THE MAILBOX OF JOURNALIST DAVID CAY
JOHNSTON.” BUT THE PRESIDENT DIDN’T BUY
THAT STORY BECAUSE THIS MORNING, HE TWEETED:
“DOES ANYBODY REALLY BELIEVE THAT A REPORTER WHO NOBODY EVER
HEARD OF, ‘WENT TO HIS MAILBOX’ AND FOUND MY TAX
RETURNS? @NBCNEWS, FAKE NEWS!”
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH. DOES ANYBODY? REALLY, SERIOUSLY? NOBODY. COME ON.>>Jon: I DON’T KNOW.>>Stephen: NOBODY, NOBODY HAS
EVER HEARD OF THIS DAVID CAY JOHNSTON GUY, EXEPS MAYBE
WHOEVER ENGRAVED HIS NAME ON TO A PULITZER. SO WE DON’T REALLY KNOW WHO PUT
OUT THIS STORY OR WHY. BUT JOHNSTON HAS SOME THEORIES.>>BY THE WAY, LET ME POINT OUT,
IT’S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE DONALD SENT THIS TO ME. DONALD TRUMP HAS OVER THE YEARS
LEAKED ALL SORTS OF THINGS. DONALD HAS A LONG HISTORY OF
LEAKING MATERIAL ABOUT HIMSELF WHEN HE THINKS IT’S IN HIS
INTERESTS.>>Stephen: ALTHOUGH, AGAIN,
HE’S BETTER KNOWN FOR WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE LEAKING. ( LAUGHTER )
SO, SO, SO– ( LAUGHTER )
SO MAYBE TRUMP IS HIS OWN LEAKER. ( LAUGHTER )
IT SOUNDS CRAZY. I REALIZE THAT SOUNDS CRAZY. BUT IT’S NO CRAZIER THAN
KELLYANNE CONWAY SUGGESTING OUR MICROWAVES ARE CAMERAS. “HELLO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ AND WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW”
MICROWAVE CAM. PRO TIP: ALWAYS REMOVE YOUR
TINFOIL HAT BEFORE YOU STICK YOUR HEAD IN HERE OR ELSE IT
WILL START TO SPARK. I’LL SET THE MICROWAVE TO TRUTH. ( BEEPING )
( LAUGHTER ) FOLLOW ME HERE, OKAY. MAYBE TRUMP DID LEAK HIS
OWN TAX RETURNS FROM THE YEAR WHEN HE “ACTUALLY” PAID TAXES,
TO DISPEL RUMORS THAT HE HASN’T PAID TAXES FOR 20 YEARS. OR MAYBE THIS WHOLE TAX THING IS
JUST A DISTRACTION FROM THE INVESTIGATION INTO HIS
CONNECTIONS TO RUSSIA. OR MAYBE THAT IS JUST A
DISTRACTION FROM THE FACT THAT TRUMPCARE’S DEAD ON ARRIVAL. IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, IT MAKES
SENSE. AND IF YOU DON’T THINK ABOUT IT,
IT MAKES EVEN BETTER SENSE! ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BUT WAIT! I WILL TELL YOU, I WILL TELL YOU
WHERE HE REALLY TRIPPED UP BECAUSE– AND THIS IS TRUE– ON
HIS TAX RETURN, ON THE LINE THAT ASKS, “IF YOU WANT
TO DONATE $3 TO PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION CAMPAIGN,” HE CHECKED
YES. OKAY? AND THEN, A MERE 11 YEARS LATER,
HE CONVENIENTLY RUNS FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
AND IS ABLE TO COLLECT HIS SWEET $3 BACK. FOLLOW THE MONEY! FOLLOW THE MONEY! HOW COULD YOU MISS THAT, RACHEL! HOW COULD YOU MISS THAT? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHEN WE RETURN, I’LL BE TALKING TO JESSICA LANGE. BUT FIRST, WE’LL HAVE THE LATEST
ON DONALD TRUMP’S NIGHT OF RALLIES.

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