Shame About Money: The Big Money Lie That Can Keep You Stuck (Debunked!)

Shame About Money: The Big Money Lie That Can Keep You Stuck (Debunked!)

Are you stressed about money? Worried
about your spending or that you’re not saving enough do you keep tripping
yourself up in your financial life in this video we talked about one of the
biggest psychological barriers to financial success the big lie about
personal finance this lie if you believe it can keep you stuck plus I’m gonna
tell you how to break free from it coming up hey I’m dr. Brad Clontz your
financial psychologist on this channel we look at the best strategies to help
you transform your relation with money Master the psychology of wealth and live
a life of abundance so check out the resources in the description below and
if you’re new here please subscribe for many of us our financial health just
isn’t where we want it to be maybe we spend too much or we don’t save enough
or maybe we have too much credit card debt or we’ve made some sort of
financial mistakes in our lives perhaps money arguments with your
husband or your wife have driven a wedge between you when it comes down to it
many of us feel ashamed or embarrassed about our financial lives it can be hard
to admit our mistakes to ourselves let alone to someone else to make matters
worse the big lie about personal finance can keep us stuck now before ID bunk the
big lie I have a confession to make I got interested in financial psychology
trying to figure out my own financial psychology
hey man no shame so when I got out of graduate school I owned about a hundred
thousand dollars in student loan debt in my first year out of school I paid eight
thousand dollars in interest on that loan and I gotta tell you I was freaking
out now in that same year I saw someone I knew make a hundred thousand dollars
trading stocks and I gotta tell you he knew nothing about the stock market so I
thought what a brilliant idea and a perfect way for me to get out of debt
fast so I did what any reasonable person would do I sold my truck which was the
only real thing I had a value at the time and I bought a $500 car to drive I
invested everything I had into the stock market now the year was 2000 and I had a
great few months I was it was fun and then it happened the tech bubble popped
within a matter of weeks I had lost almost all of my money I was devastated
I was embarrassed I felt ashamed I felt it
be honest I felt really stupid have you ever felt that way around money so I did
what any good psychologist would do I blamed my mother isn’t that what
psychologists do but seriously I became very curious about how a reasonably
intelligent person could do something so stupid with his money
I went home yes I actually got on a plane and flew back home and I started
interviewing some of my family members I interviewed my mother and I asked her
what it was like for her growing up in Detroit around money and what my
grandparents were like around money and what did they teach her about money I
did the same thing with my father I looked deep into my family history and I
got to tell you I was shocked to learn some stories I had never heard of before
I realized that I had a deep-seated fear that I desperately didn’t want to be
poor and I learned where I got it I found out that my grandfather lost all
of the family money when the banks collapsed during Great Depression
I heard the details of the poverty experience to my family I mean I really
heard it poverty going back for generations and how this instilled in my
family a deep fear of quote not having enough and a mistrust of banks and
financial institutions for example I learned that my grandfather after that
experience never put a dollar in the bank again ever he kept all his money in
a lockbox in the Attic this led to my family not participating in the stock
market and we missed out on decades of stock market growth after the Great
Depression in a desperate attempt to not be like them I jumped in to what I
thought rich people did oh I was very wrong
about that without reflecting on this family history I could have set myself
up to repeat the pattern of fear and avoiding markets and banks having lost
my money in a stock market I might have latched back on to this family held
belief not to trust financial institutions and kept right on with the
pattern of poverty in my family but my search for answers showed me that of
course I would be messed up around money of course I got to tell you I felt so
much relief knowing that it all made perfect sense when I put the pieces
together hearing some of the stories of what it was like for my father my mother
and my grandparents around money it really put my behaviors into context and
I could see how someone from a family like mine with a childhood like mine
could easily make the mistakes I made when I put these pieces together my
shame immediately melted away I mean anyone
who grew up where I did experiencing the things I experienced would have
developed the beliefs I had around money and anyway in that situation might very
likely have made the same mistake this released a ton of energy for me and I
became passionate about learning all I could about my own financial psychology
it also started me in my career as a financial psychologist in my passion to
help others so this story leads me back to the big lie about personal finance a
lie that can keep you stuck if you’re not careful the big lie is that our
money problems are entirely our own fault and are the result of us being
lazy crazy or stupid these beliefs make us feel ashamed
they take the wind out of our sails they make us feel deflated and embarrassed
ultimately they’re disempowering and they make us not even want to try to do
better well it turns out that is just not the case
self-defeating financial behaviors are not driven by our rational minds the
truth is they’re the result of psychological forces outside of our
conscious awareness and they have their roots that run deep into our pasts for
me it was a deep-seated fear of not having enough and desperately not
wanting to be poor when I had all that debt and I saw my friend making lots of
money in the stock market this emotion clouded my judgment I felt like I was
missing out and it really set me up for self-destruction the answers to why we
do what we do around money lie in our pasts in what we call our financial
flashpoint experiences or even the financial flashpoint experiences of our
parents or our grandparents financial flashpoints our financial life events
that are so emotionally powerful that they leave a lasting imprint it’s like a
picture we carry with us of this emotionally charged event and it can
stay with us for our lives and even get passed on to our children and
grandchildren they lead to an entire set of money scripts that help us make sense
of the event but many of these money scripts are distorted and only partially
true financial flashpoint experiences can be things like growing up or
suffering from a financial loss like losing a job a home or filing for
bankruptcy or like for my grandfather losing all of his money in the bank
collapse of the Great Depression or like for me losing money in the stock market
crash these experience create our money scripts which are the beliefs we have
about money that drive our financial behaviors research shows that these
money scripts determine to a large part your
financial success or lack thereof now you can learn more about money scripts
by checking out my discover your money scripts video here so if you’re feeling
stressed about your relationship with money you’re not alone if you made some
financial mistakes well welcome to the club if you’ve made a mess of some
aspect of your financial life it’s important to understand that all of your
financial behaviors even the ones that may seem crazy and our self-destructive
all of these behaviors are not the result of you being lazy crazy or stupid
your financial behaviors will make total sense when you identify your money
scripts and where they came from sometimes these stories go back to your
childhood or even further back into your family for generations but when you
understand them you can begin to have compassion for yourself stop beating
yourself up and stop getting mired down in shame because you feel embarrassed
shame is like an emotional glue trap that can keep us stuck it does not help
so don’t fall prey to the big lie about personal finance now the great news is
that you can change your relationship with money by identifying your financial
flash points thinking back to what those experiences are and challenging and
changing the money scripts that result from those experiences that aren’t
helping you achieve your financial goals question of the day what experiences
have you had that have impacted your relationship with money positive or
negative feel free to tell us in the comment section below so we can all
learn from each other special thanks to Haider College of Business at Creighton
University for helping sponsor this channel if you like this video and you
want to see more like it subscribe now and hey make sure to check out the
description below for links and resources and we’ll see you next time


  1. Mason Funaki says:

    Good job! 100 subscribers!! I am super proud of you, Dr!!

  2. Recipes for Our Dear Daughters says:

    Thanks – this is a very interesting topic! Great you have a channel dedicated to this – I have subscribed. In my extended family and their friends, I saw some very rich people, but rather than being content, they were immensely dissatisfied and continually catty to each other. So, in my life, whilst I acknowledge that it is good to be well-off, I have realised that the relentless pursuit of copious amounts of money does not get you to a better place 🙂

  3. Jojo Williams says:

    Great tips!

  4. Stefanie O'Connell says:

    My parents were always very frugal with the exception of education and travel, and I see those values reflected in my own lifestyle choices.

  5. Richard Bedard says:

    My habits go back to my childhood. My father made bad business decisions, so we had little for anything but absolute essentials. My mom worked a part-time job so my brother and I could have school clothing. As I look back on some of my financial decisions I saw that I was buying things just because I could. Well, last January I paid off a loan to cover all that accumulated debt. Eight long years at $250 per month! $24,000 and I have little idea what I bought-it was all little stuff.

  6. Dr. Brad Klontz says:

    Do you think shame around money keeps people stuck in self-destructive financial behaviors?

  7. Michael Fox says:

    I think I'm good at saving and keeping spending minimal, but I don't know what to invest in, currently I just have everything in a savings account and the interest isn't a lot.

  8. edmikhael1 says:

    Financial Flashpoints:
    Growing up in lower middle class and having less than my friends
    Religious education "Camel Through Needle Hole" kind of thinking
    Rich people won't go to heaven which represented the ultimate pain for me
    What should I do?

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