Paul Ryan Is Taking His Tax Cuts And Going Home

Paul Ryan Is Taking His Tax Cuts And Going Home


WHILE WE CAREENED
TOWARD AN APOCAL-OOPSIE-DAISY, THERE WAS A BOMB DROPPED ON
CAPITOL HILL BY SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE AND CROSSFIT DRACULA PAUL
RYAN. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) RYAN WILL NOT BE RUNNING FOR
RE-ELECTION IN 2018. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE’S OUT. HE SAID– HE SAID TODAY HE WANTS
TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIS WIFE AND KIDS– WHICH, OF COURSE, IS
WHAT HE CALLS HIS BICEPS. A LITTLE TIME WITH THE WIFE. MMM.
AND THE KIDS. DADDY’S TAKING YOU ON VACATION! ( LAUGHTER )
NO ONE WITH THIS KIND OF POWER JUST WALKS AWAY. IT’S JUST NOT DONE. THE MAN IS THIRD IN LINE FOR THE
PRESIDENCY. THOUGH, MAYBE HE’S LEAVING
BECAUSE HE JUST FIGURED THAT OUT. “WAIT, THE F.B.I. JUST RAIDED
MICHAEL COHEN’S OFFICE? NOT IT! NOT IT!”
( LAUGHTER ) SOON-TO-BE-FORMER SPEAKER RYAN
DOESN’T SEEM TOO SAD TO GO, AND HE TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO
REMIND US OF THAT.>>YOU ALL KNOW THAT I DID NOT
SEEK THIS JOB. I TOOK IT RELUCTANTLY. I DIDN’T WANT THIS JOB AT FIRST,
AND MOST OF YOU KNOW THIS. I REALLY ACTUALLY DIDN’T.>>Stephen: WE BELIEVE YOU. WE DIDN’T WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS
JOB, EITHER. OF COURSE, THERE’S A LOT OF
SPECULATION THAT RYAN IS JUMPING SHIP BEFORE A BIG DEMOCRATIC
WAVE SWEEPS THE MIDTERMS. BUT ACCORDING TO RYAN’S FRIENDS,
THERE’S ANOTHER REASON RYAN IS LEAVING. “AFTER RYAN PASSED TAX REFORM,
HIS LONGTIME DREAM, HE WAS READY TO STEP OUT OF A JOB THAT HAS
BECOME ENDLESSLY FRUSTRATING, IN PART BECAUSE OF PRESIDENT
TRUMP.” WHAT? WORKING WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP IS
FRUSTRATING? THAT’S NOT WHAT THE LAST 30
PEOPLE WHO QUIT SAID. BUT I GET IT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT– I GET IT. RYAN’S “LONGTIME DREAM” HAS BEEN
REFORMING THE TAX CODE. I MEAN, EVER SINCE HE WAS A KID,
PLAYING WITH HIS AYN RAND ACTION FIGURE. THERE’S NO DOLL, BECAUSE THE KID
HAS TO BUILD IT HIMSELF. AND THE PRESIDENT WASTED NO TIME
RELEASING HIS OWN STATEMENT, TWEETING, “SPEAKER PAUL RYAN IS
A TRULY GOOD MAN, AND WHILE HE WILL NOT BE SEEKING RE-ELECTION,
HE WILL LEAVE A LEGACY OF ACHIEVEMENT THAT NOBODY CAN
QUESTION. WE ARE WITH YOU, PAUL!”
YES, REPUBLICANS ARE WITH YOU, PAUL. AND BY “WITH YOU,” THEY MEAN,
LEAVING OFFICE IN NOVEMBER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO FARE-THEE-WELL! SO FARE-THEE-WELL, PAUL RYAN. WE’LL ALL MISS YOUR FAMOUS
CATCHPHRASE: “NO, I HADN’T HEARD WHAT THE PRESIDENT SAID
BUT, IF TRUE, THAT IS TROUBLING.” SO, WHAT’S NEXT FOR PAUL RYAN? WHAT’S HE GOING TO DO NEXT? WE DON’T KNOW. MAYBE HE’LL FOLLOW IN THE
FOOTSTEPS OF FORMER SPEAKER AND JERKIED AMERICAN, JOHN BOEHNER,
WHO TODAY ANNOUNCED HE “HAS JOINED THE BOARD OF A TOP
CANNABIS CORPORATION TO PROMOTE THE USE OF MEDICAL MARIJUANA.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH! I ALWAYS THOUGHT BOEHNER SEEMED
BAKED, BECAUSE HE LOOKED LIKE HE SPENT A FEW HOURS IN A KILN. NOW, THIS WAS A SURPRISE,
BECAUSE BACK WHEN BOEHNER WAS IN OFFICE AND COULD HAVE HELPED
LEGALIZE POT, HE SAID HE WAS “UNALTERABLY OPPOSED” TO
LEGALIZATION. GEEZE, I WONDER WHAT COULD HAVE
“ALTERED HIS MIND?” PERHAPS SOME POWERFUL,
UNREGULATED, GREEN SUBSTANCE? I’M TALKING THAT SWEET
DIGGITY-DANK CORPORATE CASH. BECAUSE THERE’S A LOT OF MONEY
IN POT NOW. BUT BOEHNER EXPLAINED HIS
CHANGE, TWEETING, “I’M JOINING THE BOARD OF #ACREAGEHOLDINGS
BECAUSE MY THINKING ON CANNABIS HAS EVOLVED.” “ALSO, I’VE GOT SOME NEW
PERSPECTIVE ON THE BACK OF MY HAND. HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT
KNUCKLES LOOK LIKE RIPPLES ON A POND? ( LAUGHTER )
KNUCKLES, KNUCKLES– THAT’S A FUNNY WORD. YOU CAN’T HEAR THE ‘K,’ BUT YOU
CAN FEEL IT.” ( LAUGHTER )
KNUCKLE. MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS
COMING. AFTER HE LEFT THE SPEAKER JOB,
HE ACTUALLY RELEASED THIS PHOTO. THAT’S CLEARLY BOEHNER WATCHING
A “YO GABBA GABBA” MARATHON. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MARTIN SHORT IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
MR. ZUCKERBERG GOES TO WASHINGTON. STICK AROUND, WON’T YOU?

100 Comments

  1. John Nycto says:

    Boehner is boehked.

  2. Oblivion says:

    The tax cuts brought thousands of new jobs, and allowed businesses to reinvest in the country didn’t it?

    Unless you think that people keeping their own money is a bad thing then you should be happy about tax cuts.

  3. mikldude says:

    The white house is like watching sesame street ……. i`m thinking would make a good skit 😉 .

  4. clipobserver says:

    Guessing Ryan got tired of being Trump's bitch.

  5. rschandran says:

    You are the 21 century, WWW version of "Voltaire" who was one of the seeds for French revolution. I am sure you have done a great job in exposing the entire cronies in the government. Kudos Stephen and long live your show!

  6. Powerofthadolla says:

    bohner got a stiffy

  7. Kyle E says:

    The speaker of the house is (no longer) in the house!

  8. ThE DuCk says:

    Paul Ryan– always the little jerk who doesn't get it— says two words made Trump’s presidency worth it: tax cuts.

  9. Dick Mick says:

    Ryan is retiring so he can spend less time with the Trump family.

  10. prepper on the fly says:

    get this guy off t.v.'f thats it , Stephen is an ass hat oh and his impression of anybody is yukkkkkkkkkk and it looks like his suit fits a bit tight. F Y stephan your an idiot

  11. kittyface27 says:

    4:15 am I the only one to look at my hand an agree?

  12. Woman of Substance says:

    He has said he will not run FOR THE HOUSE. He has NOT said he won't run for the Senate or the presidency. Hm.

  13. bluto212 says:

    Republicans have sprung an economic timebomb.

  14. JesusDaFucking Wizard says:

    Can someone tell "mr" paul rayn he had just messed up his children's future!!…..

  15. Dave Watson says:

    You are a piece of shit

  16. Bella Ventimiglia says:

    I’m not a liberal, but dang, most Republicans are such hypocrites!!! 😝

  17. Chico Dust-E says:

    The gop has a tough road ahead reshaping their image after these midterms. Wonder how they'll do it

  18. Chris M says:

    Try sticking to chat and comedy Colbert because you’re shit with politics and the truth.

  19. no juice says:

    Baner is going to be the scarface of weed? Get the fuck out of here

  20. Ivar Tangen says:

    Politicians don't decide. voters do
    Vote. Them. All. Out.

  21. Brett Nine says:

    There never was anyone more unfit to be Speaker than Paul Ryan. Great to see him go.

  22. Vladimir Putin says:

    Lol. America 🙂

  23. Bill Grandone says:

    And Paul Ryan will soon be selling meth on the streets of Milwaukee. Just ask for Tax Code and leave your cell phone number. He'll get back to you.

  24. Conner Broeker says:

    Stephen's followers are a bunch of weed addicted liberals who haven't moved on from 2016

  25. James Harris says:

    Someone said if Ryan leaves now he makes more $$$ as a lobbyist than if he stays and loses in the Blue-Wave. Everything the GOP does is for the most $$$.

  26. Trevor Marr says:

    I personally despise this guy Colbert and mute him whenever I see him!

  27. SubversiveStyle says:

    smug and evil: menacing grimace of a smile when pushing the healthcare repeal to kill 100k/yr

  28. Sheldon Cooper says:

    Randy Bryce was going to whoop his ass anyway!

  29. AK V says:

    I'm calling it now. He first of didn't want the speaker positions because he wanted to run for President in 2017. Now that his term is coming to an end he has a chance to run against Trump for 2020 presidency.

    Watch 2020 he'll run for president. I only hope he doesn't get momentum.. And loses

  30. David N says:

    Listen to all those libtards laughing in the background.

  31. Just Jane says:

    Who is that Opay shill. Man without a stem unless bought and paid for it! Barry $250 K.

  32. TheOneWhoMightBe says:

    Paul Ryan is always working on his core because he needs for a long session of screwing Americans.

  33. Bleu Eyze says:

    It's all about the money he is going to make as an ex-speaker.

  34. Dawn Adriana says:

    Hey Paulie, don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out. Duck and cover, the Blue Wave is coming, asshat.

  35. Telly Vin-a says:

    working with trump is frustrating? try having him as president…

  36. Tycho Azrephet says:

    With Ryan stepping and Trump rapidly plunging into a Nixon-esque quagmire, all that needs to happen now is for Mike Pence's rabbit Marlon Bundo to get rabies and bite him, and in so doing eliminate another disastrous presidential replacement when Trump gets thrown out on his flabby ass.

  37. Bad Jokes says:

    Ok but you really can feel the k and its freaking me out

  38. Mr. Z says:

    Paul Ryan proving yet again he's a spineless and weak POS

  39. SauceySandwich says:

    Until we get rid of the lobbyist it does not matter who leaves, they get corrupted once they get to Washington

  40. buffypython says:

    It could also be that Boehner knew he couldn't support legalization while in office since he's a Republican & his base wouldn't support it. Of course, that's not better than the alternative since it still means he was doing whatever he needed to do to stay in office.

  41. OrangeKyle91 says:

    "Knuckles, that's a funny word…"
    Sonic and his friends don't seem to think so. 😛

  42. AbbieJolie C says:

    Ryan came into the House saying he would balance the budget, then shoved this taxcut down our throats and is leaving us way way in debt. Thanks so much.

  43. Majestic Horse says:

    Of course he's leaving. He got his rich people tax cut and is now jumping ship before the poor and middle class people come for his head when they realize he screwed them over.

  44. Elena Christian says:

    Anyone else got that song from Les Mis stuck in their head?

  45. w. scott Hamilton says:

    Jimmy Munster all grown up and messing up every program which benefitted the middle class.Thanks for nothing!!!!!!!!!!!

  46. Michael Gfroerer says:

    Maybe Paul Ryan should try medical marijuana as well? He really can't lose anything !

  47. Majestic Horse says:

    Honestly why aren't you guys talking about Syria? That should be your main concern.

  48. Lisa Dixon says:

    “Not it!!!” 😂

  49. Lisa Dixon says:

    I don’t think the midterms will be that sweeping. In the south, still pretty sure it’s goin red. Maybe even more so than before the 2016 election.

  50. Crabby Productions says:

    Good Riddance!

  51. Dan Mooney says:

    I still say he looks more like Frankenstein's creature.

  52. L S says:

    Once Trump is forced out of office. Rich retirees shouldn't be allowed to walk away without paying taxes. It's a scam by republicans to undermined the people and secretly give themselves a bonus while everyone else pays their taxes.

    Trump cutting services for the people allotted money to pour into the pockets of the rich class.

  53. socrappyicoulddie says:

    Best monologue in a while.

  54. Dog Man says:

    Poor stevey wouldn't have a show if it wasn't for Republicans and Patriots. Oops, almost forgot, and those who live off the Government and not have to worry about getting up in the morning to go to work. Good thing their mommy's have cable in the basement!

  55. Steve D says:

    Speaker Ryan is not that bad I feel there may be problems and cheering just based on partisanship

  56. Jonathan Cangelosi says:

    "That's not what the last 30 people who quit said" had me dying XD

  57. Picket Fence says:

    Paul Ryan, that miserable cowardly worm. He knows his party is over.

  58. Michael Lee says:

    One of the best videos EVER! Thank you Stephen Colbert!!

  59. One Two says:

    Ryan is leaving, because he is going to run or POTUS in 2020. Mark my words…

  60. Glenn Chapman says:

    Why don’t you take your crooked ear and go home

  61. Cindy O'Hara says:

    We appreciate Ryan stepping up to the plate when we needed him but he really never fit the bill. His youth was a nice asset but his responses were BS.

  62. Mark says:

    Why the hell do people always think ryan I'd some fit person. Heat fett tall. The shorter you are the easier it is to develop muscle. Praise him if he's 6 feet and cut. Most dwarfs looks fit to. Jesus people

  63. BixbyConsequence says:

    Doesn't want to preside over the impeachment.

  64. Michele Eslick says:

    I wonder what deal Paul Ryan had been offered. Maybe he realizes that he’s incapable of growing the balls to stand up to Trump.

  65. Gene Green says:

    The Swamp is shrinking one repub at a time!

  66. Just the real news says:

    Paul Ryan is leaving because he’s going to make more Money in the outside world is a former corrupt politician.

  67. jpdemer5 says:

    "I am unalterably opposed to whoever isn't paying me at the moment."
    Republican values in action.

  68. Earth Vega says:

    That's what Ryan's plan was all this time!

  69. John Do says:

    They sure screwed the American people royally. Laughing here, how stupid Trumptards are.

  70. rointz2003 says:

    Stephen Colbert looks, and talks in such a way that it's easy to believe that he must be a bully in real life.

    He's always making fun of others, let it be their odd habits, their microexpressions, their choices of words, their actions or inactions. He never says anything positive about anybody.

    I start to feel sick after hearing him complain about just about anything 5 minutes into it.

  71. Tom Ripsin says:

    Every time a dirtball politician says he wants to spend more time with his family, I always wonder what the family thinks about that.

  72. Mark Williams says:

    If John Boehner suddenly starts wearing an "Adventure Time" necktie, we'll know he's switched over the "greenside".

  73. Kimme Evermann says:

    Paul Ryan is ACTUALLY Eddie Munster

  74. John Morales says:

    Shut up moron!!!

  75. HighMagnitudeGT says:

    Remember when your audience cheered Comey getting fired?

  76. Olga Ortiz says:

    Being high and watching/listening to this is amazing.

  77. Lou D. Zissou says:

    this audience is so easily amused. the kind of people who used to go see tapings of friends

  78. Opaul Elven says:

    It’s sad to see pot get corporatized

  79. Cerbyo says:

    Meanwhile the rest of the world is just plain scratching their heads how the poor of this country will fight to the death to allow the far right government to keep taking their money. And everyone is just plain jealous of what the american republicans have achieved….getting the people you screw over to be your biggest supporters. Its hilarious. So many parallels to domestic abuse here….the liberals (police come) and try and help the abused but they stand by the one beating them and attack the police trying to help them. SOme people like getting fucked, leave them alone you stupid liberals.

  80. Al Mullen says:

    He swore he wasn't retiring 6 months ago.

  81. consulting insultant says:

    Pot & porn greatest cash cows

  82. Jesus Lozada says:

    Crossfit's Dracula!

  83. polite critique says:

    Americans. Have to work until age 75. Cos wars for Israel. Need your money meanwhile this traitor retires rich and decades early

  84. Kallie S says:

    John Boehner: the human personification of a tomato basil Triscuit

  85. EV &J says:

    Paul Ryan is a spineless, godless, piece of shite. His cowardice in standing up to Donald dump is actually mind blowing. And his tax cuts and attempts to dissolve Medicare and Medicaid as well social security are just heartless and and bad economics.

  86. LINDA TOOMER says:

    Paul Ryan work too hard on his career, let's it go down like that .

  87. AndyBebop300 says:

    Maybe now that Paul Ryan is leaving his job, he can finally go get a spine.

  88. Go-go Akins says:

    Goodbye and good riddance!

  89. O. Jackson-Bey says:

    "Wait,the FBI raided Michael Cohen's hotel room, NOT IT!!..i LOST MY SHIT AFTER THAT LMMFAO!!!!

  90. MrMus TangMan says:

    All rats scatter and seek higher ground when the ship is filling up with water and sinking……

  91. Brittanie Jones says:

    These Retiring Republicans know what they’re doing… They’re taking the money they earned through dastardly deeds and skipping town before Mueller can roll out the latest roster of indictments. They know the ish is about to hit the fan!!! Oh yeah, and I believe that John Boehner has been high for the last 10 years…

  92. Tripdango Gangslin says:

    Paul Ryan evil Eddie Munster

  93. Olecram SouthEastMob says:

    He’s going to go with the ‘Saviour of the republican party’ act in the next presidential elections to overthrow Trump.

  94. Eric Fisher says:

    Paul Ryan was on the sinking ship looking left and right and saw the photo that Colbert shown. He smiled knowing he will be saved and working the guns for the show.

  95. skip schnepp says:

    sucking up tax payers money, what a turd, your not worth the money you think you are, what a TURD

  96. B1st IS says:

    The person Wahington Post speaks of was paid to remain in office via the new TEA PARTY inhabitants. Remember John B. left the building. Ryan stayed on "bribed" to get most ridiculous budget for wealthy passed and probably got paid more to manage.. Paul Ryan is the complete asshole opportunist, even blind saw, last decade coming… forces allowed—-

  97. A P says:

    How i pray for the death of cobert , his fans and all their scumbag brainwashed children

  98. John W says:

    This country is going to end up with the Republicans leaving just as global warming starts and wipes out the race.

  99. gap949 says:

    Nailed it !

  100. Frederick Martinez says:

    Fuck you Stephen Colbert

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